It's All Too Much
It happened. It happened today. You and me, my sweet girl. We sat on the floor of your nursery and cried. And cried. And cried. Your face red from anger that I couldn't understand your frustration and mine heavily tear stained as I was trying to come to terms that I couldn't anticipate your needs in this moment. Most of our days recently have been spent like this one - trying to console you as you battle trying to digest all your medications, attempt to breathe easy, and pack on the pounds that other babies do so easily. Georgia, when you are older and are hopefully able to read these letters, I hope you can begin to understand how heart breaking it is for me as your mom to not be able to fix what is distressing you. I truly have never felt more hopeless or saddened then when you look at me with those big eyes desperate for me to understand what you are trying to communicate, and I fall short time after time. I feel as though I am letting you down. That the one person who is to protect you, comfort you and intercept your distress... can't. Oh, how I wonder if you will resent me. Because the reality is, my girl. that this isnt the first and definitely not the last time that I will let you down. This shear fact brings me to my knees. How can it be true that there are times when I dont know what you need?
G, my heart is so heavy tonight as I write this to you. My eyes are glossy and my mind is wondering in many different directions. I look at you in complete bewilderment sometimes. How is that someone so little, so new, so precious...be so strong? You are much stronger than me, my daughter. I could never begin to imagine the things you have already been forced to overcome. Because of all you have already tackled and conquered, this world seems so much more intimidating to me. We are in the middle of a pandemic right now, known as COVID 19. Oh sweetheart, how I pray that by the time you are old enough, this is something you will just read about in history books. I pray whole heartedly every day that this is a life you will never have to know; have to fear. Because right now I am fearful. I am fearful that this virus will come to you. I am fearful that it will cause you harm; that of which we do not know how it will affect you. I often think to myself "Maci this is your life now".. worrying about who and what you will come in contact with and if it will have lasting effects on you. It's exhausting to worry this much - but I want you to know how miniscule this is in comparison to the desire I have to protect you and keep you safe and healthy to the best of my ability. I sit in bed at night as I say my prayers over you and have distracted thoughts about you being in my belly. What a distant memory that feels like. If only you knew how many tears were shed and prayers were sent just in order for you to be created. What joy we felt knowing you existed!! How fast those months went by in which you grew and developed. I reminisce about those months and I have this deep desire to just wrap you back up in my uterus and keep you warm and safe just a little longer. I didn't know then how quickly I would miss those days where my body could be a safe haven for yours. It's different now, better, but different. I can't use my body as a shield in our daily life to keep you safe from pathogens, bacteria, viruses, and who knows what else. And I am struggling to feel accomplished in my efforts to shelter you right now. I think of all the family and friends that you have yet to meet - these are people who helped us celebrate your life and prayed with us as we took each step towards parenthood. These people are such big fans of you baby girl and they want to see you succeed, which is why they have so graciously put their wants aside in order to keep you safest. However, that doesnt mean it hasnt been hardd; so very hard. Gosh G, we have waited so long to share you. To pass you around, getting loves from all those who helped your mom and dad get this far. To think this is another part of our experience that we are grieiving the loss of...
I hope that when you read this years later that you think to yourself, "oh mom thats silly" because I pray that there isnt a time where you cant remember when you weren't doted on, celebrated, or shared.
I am reading back my words in this letter as you are sound asleep in your bassinette; bathed, swaddled, snug. Any outsider would look at you in this moment and never know the struggles we had today. No one knows that today I sat and looked at you as we both cried and I wondered if you were happy; like truly happy. What a surreal thought to have! No one knows that I screamed out in frustration over yet another disappointing pumping session.. yet another thing I feel that I am failing. No one knows that I tried so hard to not let comparison steal my joy. No one knows that I prayed silently over you today asking God to comfort you in a way that I clearly wasn't capable of. No one knows, my sweet girl. that today it was all simply too much. Life will be like that sometimes, sis. There will be times that you are dealing with things that others may not or cannot see. And my prayer tonight (amongst many other things) is that when its all too much, when you feel like no one knows what you need, when you are fearful of what this world is doing and becoming - that you throw your hands and your head up. Focus your attention upwards, to Him. I am reminded of this message tonight. I turned on my worship music earlier to try and decompress and one of my favorite songs began to play. "I'll give thanks" by Housefires. I began to cry as I sang these lyrics to you...."Why do I worry? Why do I worry? God knows what I need. So I'll give thanks to God when I dont have enough cause He's more than enough and He knows what I need. Oh He knows what I need". Georgia, He knew it would come to this. He knew today would look like this. But gosh am I excited to see what joy He brings tomorrow. He has been preparing us to surrender to Him, because the truth is that I may not know what you need in every moment, but He does. And I have to believe that maybe He knew we needed each other.
I pray that you will understand and appreciate how hard your dad and I are trying to anticipate your needs, fulfill your wants, and comfort your woes. And when we fail, I pray even harder that we taught you to know where your true help comes from!
My precious daughter, you will never know how much I love you, but I hope that there is not a day that goes by that you don't feel it.
Mom + Dad